~ Sept 10, 2006

Note:  Today has not been a good day.  I am solemn and hurting, tired and sad. 

Fridays memorial service was wonderful.  Seven days after her departure.  It was Friday and the service was public.  There were near 200 people there.  I was amazed but not surprised.  Rochester is a wonderful family community.  Many people showed up that did not know our family.  Some were witnesses at the scene.  Some just read about it and were touched by Arianna's story.  Wonderful people. 

Macken Funeral Home was chosen for us by the social worker at the hospital the night of Arianna's departure.  She was great and just told us whom she had chosen.  I was happy to have the first big decision done for us.  Bless her. She assured us they were wonderful people and they were.

Macken Funeral home helped us to decide how things would be done.  They were great and we were happy to have been directed to such a nice family business.  They did the service and the cremation for free.  My mom taught me to be a good giver and receiver so we accepted with much appreciation.

My oldest just could not stomach the service.  Too much pressure.  I told him he needed to go and explained that he was old enough to understand that he needed to try so that he did not regret it.  But he bowed out 1/4 way through so my sister took care of him.  I am so proud of him for trying.

We had a gathering after the service at our town house complex.  The party room was rented out.  The owners tried to free it up but were not able to.  No problem.  Instead they put up a big tent outside, tables, chairs, food, and drinks, desert for 100 people.  The owners paid for it all.  I would guess that there were about 100 people there.  We have only been in Rochester for 9 months and at the town houses for 6 months. 

The neighbors have flooded us with food starting the day after Arianna went home.  The parents and the kids have been such a blessing to have around.  A few of the ladies and girls set up everything and decorated the tables.  The girls put pink crayons on what must be 50 rocks to help hold down the table decorations.  It was a beautiful night.

Family is slowly leaving.  Grand parents left on Sunday.  My father left today and my mother will stay for another week.  Siblings and nieces have also had to depart.  Friends are returning home, but a few are also staying for another week.  Some were not able to make it, but this was for our selfish flesh and not for Arianna.  We hope to see them soon.  Some are still waiting for a good time to come out and see us.  We love them all and thank them for being here with us.  We are loved and are told what great family and friends we have.  We could not agree more.

God has protected us well through this.  I have not one complaint at all.  The local news were allowed to appear but were respectful of our desire to have no pictures or interviews done during the service or the gathering.

It is a fallen world and my heart just seems to stop beating at times as I find myself holding my breath and thinking about my precious Arianna.  I am humbled by God's authority in this, saddened and heart broken by my loss, lost and confused with out my little Arianna.  It is a fallen and a sinful world.

I look for tissue on the table and can not see it.  I look around more and there it is, on a nearly empty table.  I meet people and hear Jake when they tell me Steven.  It is a sad time for us and a time of loss and emptiness.  But I think of Arianna and then I go to God.  He is my protector.  I deserve death but am granted grace.  I am lost but he continues to draw me back to Him.

Praise the Lord!

Oct 10, 2006

My wife and I have been to our 2nd Compassionate Friends meeting.  They have brochures and information on how to deal with the loss of a child, be it your child, a grand child, sibling, a friend or coworkers child, etc.  I never thought I would deal with a group like this!  While I get much out of the meetings and find them very helpful, I still want nothing to do with a damn group that is centered around the death of children, let alone my child!  Only God knows why our family had to join this exclusive club?

Joseph heard the brakes and turned and saw Arianna get hit by the car.  By a man that failed to see other cars stopped in both North and South bound lanes.  Guess that is what happens when one does not wear their prescription glasses.    

So he got to see the impact and then watch her fly 20' in the air and land what I think must be 100' away.  I saw her just as she was about 10' in the air after being hit and the rest.  My God!  That vision wants to kill my brain.  How it must be for Joseph.  Matthew was shielded from most all of it but what happened after she landed.

Joseph ran up to Arianna right behind me.  All I could do was yell 'shit!' and go to her and hold her hand and pray for her.  Joseph stood there, 10' away from the two of us and just looked at me with his hands up and to his sides gesturing 'what', 'what', what'!  My wife came up in what seemed like minutes but was likely 5 to 10 seconds as she took care of Matthew and then came for Joseph and took him away.  He is so soft, so emotional, so loving, so caring.  Why did he have to see this shit!  When will he be healed of this catastrophic site?  Oh Lord, please Heal Him and Matthew.  Joseph has a photographic memory and this will be forever permanently etched there.  How can I but feel that all my sins have caused this Nuclear Bomb in my life?

I ran up to Arianna.  I knew not to move her.  But my wife and I knew that she was long dead.  Even 10 seconds is too long to know that your child is dead before your eyes and in your hand.  Living in Rochester there were doctors and nurses and such on scene before I could drop my first tear to the ground.  I spent the next however long it was before they took her away praying to God.  Never have I given Him choices.  Never have I given him Door A or Door B.  Never have I told him His business.  But I could not settle for anything other than her being returned to us or for Him to accept her, sin and all, into Heaven.  All the while I had her sweet loving hand wrapped in mine.  God, what a terrible feeling.

"Lord, please send her back to us or give her Salvation.  Back to us or Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Back to us or Salvation.  Back to us or Salvation.  Back to us or Salvation..."

I held her hand and prayed that and virtually nothing else until there were too many doctors, nurses, EMTs, and firemen around. 

I rode to the hospital with her.  I prayed the whole way.  Over and over:

"Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation.  Give her back to us or give her Salvation".

We got to the hospital and they took her and worked on her.  The kids were taken away with our friend.  We went into the ER room and watched as they worked.  But I could see the look on my wife's face.  She worked for 4 years in an ER as a social worker.  She knows what death looks like, terms that the doctor uses, etc.\

They did get a pulse on the scene and they got one twice I think in the ER.  But it was only 10 beats per minute.  Just flesh responding weakly to and earthly call.  No spirit there to bring back real life.  The autopsy would later show, if I recall somewhat correctly, a severed brain stem.

My son has had migraines every single day since school started.  He used to get one every 3 to 6 weeks.  Now he has them every single day.  I pray that he is healed of these.  Talk about a load of stress on a little 9 year old boy.  He loves his little brother and Arianna so much.  He feels responsible somehow.  Like it should have been him or that he could have done something to prevent this.  He fears that another child in the family may die.  Matthew wishes we could all die and be with her in heaven.

Dec 14, 2006

This morning was the Court Sentencing for the accident.  Christina did not feel inclined to show up.  She had no desire to meet the person face to face at this time.  It is a small town and she has no desire to run into the young man that hit and killed Arianna.  On the other hand, I did go.  I did not feel that I could go through the rest of my life with out witnessing the sentencing.  I felt it would be good for me to go and move through another step...to somehow get a little closer to the end of the criminal investigation and court proceedings.

The DA was very nice and called us the day before to remind us that sentencing was Thursday and if we wanted to show up it would be good and if we wanted to address the court it would be good as well.  Our neighbors took Christina and the boys to work and then school which freed me up to go.  What a blessing our neighbors have been!

On the way to court I prayed that God would, if I spoke, give me His words to speak and not my own.  That he would guide me and that I would be a good witness.  That what I had to say would be appropriate and not simply about me and how my flesh felt that morning, but from Him or at a minimum tempered by Him.

I met the DA outside the courtroom and he shared some general court info with me.  I told him that I would likely speak, but that I had no idea what I would say.  Though, I had brought my own he offered me his paper and pen to help collect my thoughts.

There was one case before Arianna's and it was over fairly quickly. 

As our case started the DA told the court that I was here and may wish to add something, so I did.

I told the court how our family was now severely broken.  How Arianna was just such a loving girl and was just an amazing daughter.  That she was a budding artist and loved to draw and paint and never had she drawn a dark, cloudy, or gloomy picture.  That she was all happiness and loved God and everyone else.

I shared that Matthew, at just 5 years old, wished that he was dead so that he could be with Arianna in Heaven and that he wished the whole family could die together in a car crash or something so that we would all be together in Heaven.  (Talk about a little brothers love.  Love for all of us.  For him it would be as simple as us all dying which means we would all be in Heaven together.  No questions asked.  That is Trust and Faith as Jesus tells us that only a Child can have.  Not afraid of death.  Just in love with his sister.)

I then spoke about Joseph and what a little 9 year old carries on his shoulders.  That since the first day of school he has had migraines every day, sometimes two.  That he is in counseling and that was making a difference, but that the migraines that were gone for ~6 days of school and our vacation, had returned.  That he felt horrible burden of guilt that no child should have to carry.

I told the court about Christina and how broken she was.  That she was a most excellent mother and that she wished that she could just get some sort of cancer and be done with it so that she could go and be with her daughter.  I spoke of the mortality rate for mothers in the first two years under these circumstances.

That we had moved from Sacramento Ca. to get the kids into better schools, safer communities, away from drugs and gangs.

I also spoke of how we have to cross a 45mph road on a curve to get to the bike trail across the street and that we walk across all intersections but that one due to its size.  That I understood that the man should have been wearing corrective lenses and that even with out them one would have to be totally distracted or blind not to see two cars stopped at the intersection in the on coming lanes and two more stopped in front of him up a head for him to just blow through the intersection. 

That Joseph got to watch the car hit Arianna and that we watched her fly through the air 15'+ high and a minimum of 80' before she landed.  That no one should have to see that and remember that.  And also that our future with her is gone, just stopped one day to continue no further.

The judge then addressed the young man.  What the judge said I don't remember well.  The young man stated some things in his defense.  That he was no longer required to wear corrective lenses.  The judge told him that was not the case when he hit her.  He said that he had retaken his driving tests and that he was told that he did not need to wear corrective anymore, but that he had missed or skipped the eye test...?  But mostly that he did not see her and it was not his fault.  Of course, our friend Lee was standing right next to her.  I guess he did not see anything as he came over that hill that day.  He saw nothing important from 1/3+ miles away.  Not the cars stopping in front of him nor the others stopped in the oncoming lanes.  Not Lee or Arianna.  Not Christina and Matthew that crossed just 5' in front of her nor Joseph or I that crossed 15' in front of her and got across first.

I can actually see where he 'may' not have seen Arianna due to the car turning left in front of her as that car stopped Way too close to her and lee.  Neither car that stopped in the lanes going with him gave them much room when they stopped.  But Lee is about 2' taller...  And those cars did not block line of sight until he was nearly upon the intersection.

He also said something else but I was not sure what.  Something about 'fault'.  I was raising my hand to inquire of the judge but was not seen at first and by the time the judge looked up after talking to him I had heard it again.  He said he was sorry but that it was not his Fault.  The judge reminded him that this was a sentencing hearing not a trial and that he had already admitted his fault during the trial and that regardless of what he says now, he was not paying any attention and that a little girl was dead as a result of it and a family was left with that pain.

He was sentenced to ~$500 ($1,000 max) and 30 days in jail (not sure of max, 90 days?) and 50 hours community service at the local art center.  The judge said that perhaps something good will come out of the art and that it would be fitting as she loved art so much.

That was that.  The DA and I spoke for a few minutes and he thanked me for coming in and speaking and that it is good for the court to hear the victim's sides of it.

As I left the young man was gone, however, his father was with him in court and he waited for me and introduced himself and shook my hand and told me how very very sorry he was for our family and the circumstances.  We hugged and I thanked him for coming forward and sharing and that I was glad he did.  We both cried as we spoke for a few minutes and then I left.  I was very numb through the whole thing.  Maybe less numb and more like detached.  I no longer think properly as it is and often say weird things out of the blue, say stupid things as I try to get my feelings and thoughts out and just plain stop in mid sentence as I can not remember what I was saying or what I was going to say.  I was not thinking properly that morning at all.  If I had I would have liked to tell the man that I pray that he can forgive his son and help his son work through this and to not turn from him.  That both he and his wife could just listen, be gentle, and patient with him so as not to loose him themselves or loose him to something worse.

That was my day in a nutshell.  It only lasted 50 minutes or so from the time I parked to the time I left.  But it was my whole entire day.  Thank God for good friends and neighbors that are here and delight in helping us where we need it and when we need it.

Arianna was prepared to go to God.  She was ready before the alarm rang.  She knew God, loved God, Adored God, and Followed Him.  She was prepared and if she could she would have told us the day before how sad she would be to leave us, but how delighted she would be to be in the bosom of God and to no more know fear, pain, sadness, despair, or any of a long list of fleshly concerns.

Believe me when I tell you.  Be like Noah and prepare yourselves, not those that laughed and mocked him for his belief and obedience.  There will come a day when:

Phl 2:10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of [things] in heaven, and [things] in earth, and [things] under the earth;

That is the Last Day.  The centurions knew whom Jesus was.  The Jews knew whom He was.  The people of the towns and cities knew whom He was.  The woman at the well, where He only stopped for water but tarried two days knew whom He was and she told all those near her and they believed.  She did not understand it but knew the power of it and did not even know how to ask for it.  

Jhn 4:15 The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw.

She received the living water.  And it flows now even for you.  However, another did not receive it.  It was too late.  The rain will stop someday soon and the water will be cut off.  Salvation will no longer available.  Not even a drop of it.  Some have too much of nearly everything, but will be lost.  Some have nothing or most everything, but have the one thing that can not be lost.  The latter's flesh was fed only crumbs, but he was there for the great wedding feast.  The former ate everything of the world, then wailed and begged, but died for lack of water.

Luk 16:24 And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

Luk 16:25 But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

It is coming and very soon.  Perhaps in our life time.  It used to be preached very strongly as it should be.  The most important thing is Salvation.  Thus, one of the very most important of teachings is that the end will and is coming.  It is not something that we can prevent, ignore, or hide from.  And we must be prepared.

Jhn 12:48 He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day.

Only God can save.  If anyone of us could I know we would have done it already.  But dead things can not choose life and He Chose us before we Chose Him.  We are to Fear Him (reverential awe) and be very fearful of His Cruel Anger.

2Pe 3:3 Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts, 2Pe 3:4 And saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as [they were] from the beginning of the creation.

Ecc 8:12 Though a sinner do evil an hundred times, and his [days] be prolonged, yet surely I know that it shall be well with them that fear God, which fear before him:

And many will say this simply because of the teachers of man in our day.  Wolves in sheep's clothing.  With their signs and wonders and false teachings of man and his pride and ability to fix himself.  Do not be caught by the thief, instead be prepaired.  See the false angel of light for what he is.

1Th 5:2 For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night.

Mar 13:22 For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if [it were] possible, even the elect.

2Th 2:9 [Even him], whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders,

When Jesus comes it will be cruel day of terror for those not prepared.  You will not have to search him out as the whole world will know of his arrival.

Only through the hearing of the Word can one be given faith and be saved. 

Rom 10:17 So then faith [cometh] by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

And not just by some of it but by any of it and all of it.

2Ti 3:16 All scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:

There has and never will be one work or writing of man that will provide you with Salvation.  The works of man can not even stand in the shadow of the scripture.  Go straight to the source.

Peace and Blessings

May 9, 2007

Been a long while.  About 2 months ago, or so, I started this new web page design/template.  I have not touched it since I got about 1/4 of the way through my site.  Today I started working on it again.

This week has been very tough.  It seems like Thanksgiving came and went so fast.  We went to Brekenridge Co. to go skiing with our neighbor/friends.  We stayed about 5 nights.  Boys got to ski and they loved it.  But it got very cold.

Christmas we spent in the WI Dells with my sister.  We spent two nights there at the water park.

Then Jan was Joseph's birthday.  It was very low key.  We just could not do more.

Feb was Arianna's birthday.  Stayed home...

March was Matthew's birthday.  Very low key.  Could not do more.

Now it is May and we are coming up on our first year anniversary of our loss.  This really really Sucks!